THE STRANGEST LOVE STORY EVER TOLD By Victor Hugo Vaca II

(Scene 1-78 of Screenplay)

“The Strangest Love Story Ever Told.”©

By

Victor-Hugo Vaca II.

Maverick Artist Victor-Hugo Vaca II

Photo Credit: Award-Winning Director, Screenwriter, Producer-Alyn Darnay

This copyrighted screenplay, “The Strangest Love Story Ever Told©”, though inspired by actual events is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

The following are the first seventy-eight scenes of the copyrighted screenplay titled, “The Strangest Love Story Ever Told”© by Victor-Hugo Vaca II, one of the films, in the planned seven parts, from the infamous,  “Crackhead Jesus: The Movie”© series.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KN8SIigY8TI

This work of modern-art-gonzo-journalism is dedicated to victims of domestic abuse, both male and female and abused children around the world. If you are a victim of Domestic Abuse get help by contacting The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you are a victim of child abuse, or witness child abuse, contact Childhelp at 1-800-422-4453.

“It’s not about breaking up, it’s about moving forward.” – Victor-Hugo Vaca II

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Scene 1

I was with the Opera Diva the day I met the Countess, at a formal charity event for battered women and children. I witnessed a Phoenix rising in stiletto high heels, before the Countess stole my heart and propelled my curious existence into the strangest love story ever told.

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Scene 2

Artist wearing professional headphones and smoking bong, edits soundtrack on computer while watching news and porn on split screen. Unbeknownst to the Artist, a swat team with bomb sniffing dogs circles his home. Cops bang on front door and ring doorbell frantically.
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Scene 3

Opera Diva gets sloppy drunk at charity event, while the Artist mingles his way towards the Countess, who is sitting alone on a park bench in the lush courtyard, beside a fountain and burning tiki torches. Their eyes meet before the Artist introduces himself to the Countess and they start a lively conversation that leads to a six-year relationship.
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Scene 4

Artist exhales cloud of smoke while removing headphones, oblivious to Swat team and bomb sniffing dogs surrounding his home. Television shouts breaking-news of criminals, impersonating police officers, on the loose in local area, robbing homes and victimizing people with respect for authority, as the Artist calmly makes his way to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet, while scrolling news of innocent people being shot by rookie police officers, the Artist hears loud knocking and doorbell ringing incessantly. The Artist wipes, flushes and stumbles out of the bathroom while lifting his underwear and pants expecting to find his girlfriend, The Countess, locked out, with groceries at the front door.
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Scene 5

The Artist says goodnight to the Countess with a kiss on her cheek, after spending a lovely evening together, at a Charity event for battered women and children. As she walks away, toward the valet, an angry gay man, arm in arm with drunken, sobbing, Opera Diva, approaches the Artist shouting, “Instead of flirting, why don’t you take care of your wife, here!”

“She’s not my wife.” The Artist says, while propping up the Opera Diva and holding her steady, in a comforting embrace, before escorting her to a waiting car at valet, loading her into passenger seat gently and driving off at conclusion of party.
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Scene 6

The Artist sees hulk in dark sunglasses staring back at him through open living room window as he crawls on floor tightening his belt.

“Open the door! This is the police!” Cops shout.

“What’s going on?” The terrified Artist asks while crawling out of view past the kitchen into the bedroom where Swat team in body armor stares back at him with weapons drawn through open windows.

“What are you doing on the floor? Get up! Open the door! We need to talk to you! Now!” Cop shouts at Artist, while filming inside of house with body cam.
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Scene 7

Artist makes love to Opera Diva. His mind is elsewhere.

(ARTIST VOICEOVER) “Her legs were like skyscrapers resting on my shoulders as I thrust myself into her long lean body on the night I met my Muse, The Countess, at a charity event in The Grove.”

Opera Diva and Artist connect in the moment, to reach mutual orgasm and collapse, in a puddle of human liquids.

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Scene 8

Television shouts news about local state of high alert and emergency declared by Florida Governor following Orlando Terrorist attack at Pulse Nightclub and warning of former inmates impersonating law enforcement officers in the viewing area as Swat team, with guns drawn shout at Artist cowering on bedroom floor beside bed. “Open the door, now! We want to talk to you!”

“We are talking! What do you want?” The Artist asks while crawling away from Swat covered windows in the bedroom to Swat covered windows in the living room.

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Scene 9

“Thanks for a lovely evening. Perhaps our paths will cross again in a few months, when I return from touring Asia and Australia with the Metropolitan Opera.” The Opera Diva says before bending over to kiss the Artist goodbye, walking out the door in high heels and a sparkling, wrinkled, evening gown to her car at midday.

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Scene 10

Swat team with bomb sniffing dogs surround artist’s house as he crawls around in a panic trying to get out of the line of fire inside his home.

“Open the door right now! We need to talk to you!” Police shout.

“Do you have a warrant?” The Artist asks.

“If you don’t cooperate, we will get one!” Cops shout.

“For what? I haven’t done anything.” The Artist replies.

“Assault and battery. Your wife says you beat her up. Open the door, now!” Cops shout while banging on the door.

“I’m not married! You have the wrong guy!” The Artist shouts to armed officers of the law staring back at him through open windows with guns drawn.

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Scene 11

The Countess calls the Artist and asks, “Would you like to attend a seminar on the dark side of reincarnation, with me, this evening, at the Kabbalah Center, where Madonna goes?”

“I’d love to but my car is in the shop for repairs.” The Artist says.

“No worries. Give me your address. I’ll pick you up at three.” The Countess replies.

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Scene 12

“I’m reaching for my cell phone to call 911. Please don’t shoot me!” The Artist says as he rises from the ground cautiously with arms up, before pointing to his right pocket in front of nervous police officers watching his every move from outside his house, through clear windows, with guns pointed at his chest.

“We are 911!” Cops shout.

“I don’t know that! I’m calling 911, please don’t shoot!” The Artist says as he slowly reaches inside his pocket to grab his cell phone thinking, this may be the last moment of his life.
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Scene 13

“So, you were attacked, in your home, by an actor, with a steak-knife, after filming Crackhead Jesus: The Movie?” The Countess asks the Artist, as she drives to the Kabbalah Center.

“Truth is stranger than fiction.” The Artist says.
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Scene 14

“Open the door! We just want to make sure you are okay!” Cops shout at frightened Artist as he speaks nervously to 911 operator on his cell phone in his living room.

“People claiming to be police are at my door demanding entry into my house without a warrant!”

“Calm down, Sir.” The 911 Operator says.

“Calm down? They have guns pointed at me.” The Artist replies, shaking with fear.

“Sir, were you involved in domestic abuse assault and battery with your wife this morning?” The 911 Operator asks.

“No! I’m not married!” Artist says while cops shout, “We’ll come back with a warrant if we have to, open the door!”

“Do that, because I’m not letting you in!” The Artist shouts.
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Scene 15

Giant, overweight, Actor, with crazy-eyes, bursts through Artist’s bedroom door, wielding a steak-knife and shouting, “How dare you try to come between me and my wife!”

“Put the knife down!” The Artist says with authority.

“You’re trying to break us up!”

“No!”

“Then why would you tell her I raped an actress on set?”

“That’s not what I said! Put the knife down!” The Artist says as the angry actor swings a steak-knife while Artist retreats backwards towards master-bathroom.
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Scene 16

Swat team surrounds house and bangs on front door of Artist’s home, as he speaks to 911 Operator who asks, “So, you witnessed child abuse and incest in your home, have you reported what you told me to Child Protective Services?”

“No.” The intimidated Artist says, staring back at scowl faced, armed officers gazing through his windows.

“Why not?” Asks the 911 Operator.

“I thought my girlfriend would take care of it, it’s her grandchildren.” The Artist answers without hesitation.

“Well, I’m duty-bound to report what you just told me, if you don’t.” The 911 Operator says.
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Scene 17

Massive Actor’s huge Wife screams, “Please, don’t kill him!”

“I’m going to kill you, you son of a bitch!” The Actor says as he lunges towards Artist brandishing a steak knife.

“Calm down! It’s not what you think!” The Artist shouts as he side steps the Actor’s attack.

Frustrated, the Actor punches hole in wall causing his hand to bleed onto steak knife.

“You are a dead man!” The furious Actor shouts at retreating Artist.

“No!” The Actor’s Wife shouts. “Please stop!”

With nowhere to run or hide, the Artist stands his ground against the mad Actor.
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Scene 18

Swat team surrounding house bangs on door shouting, “We’ll be back with a warrant for your arrest.”

“They’re leaving.” The 911 Operator says to petrified Artist as Swat team exits with bomb sniffing dogs. “But I suggest you call Child Protective Services, first thing in the morning, to file a report, so they can investigate your allegations of child abuse; otherwise, I have to report you as a co-conspirator. I also suggest you go the police station, ASAP, to give your side of the story, because your domestic partner has made some serious allegations against you.”
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Scene 19

“Get out of my house!” The Artist says, as he walks confidently past enraged Actor waving steak-knife at him as Actor’s Wife yells, “No!”.

The Actor punches another hole in wall, with his bloody fist, leaving red stains, splattered on white wall, as Artist makes his way into living room past hallway.

“I invite you to stay, with your cat, as guests in my home, and you threaten to kill me!” The Artist shouts at the Actor and his Wife, as she takes the knife from her Husbands bloody hand while eating a sausage. “Get out!”

“Fuck you!” The Actor and his Wife shout back at the Artist in stereo.
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Scene 20

Artist walks into police station and approaches Front Desk Officer, sitting behind bullet proof glass.

“I’d like to file a police report.”

“About what?” The cranky Front Desk Officer asks.

“I was just swatted by my girlfriend. She filed a false police report.”

“Excuse me, Sir, I heard about that incident and I can assure you, the Police were there to protect you.” The Front Desk Officer says.

“Protect me? With guns drawn? Is that how cops protect citizens?”

“Your wife made some serious allegations.”

“She’s not my wife, I told you, she’s my girlfriend.”

“Whatever, your girlfriend said you have bombs and an arsenal of weapons. She also said you killed both of her dogs and tried to stab her in her sleep.” The Front Desk Officer, with a raised eyebrow and accusing look, says to the dumbfounded Artist, under camera surveillance.

“Well, she lied.”

“You’ll have to come back Monday after 3PM. The officers who took the original report are off for the next three days.”

“But I’m the victim, I’d like to file my own report.”

“Sorry. Come back Monday after three.

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Scene 21

“You’re a piece of shit!” The Actor says to Artist as his Wife loads caged cat into overstuffed SUV in front of Artist’s home at twilight.

“Yeah. You’re a real piece of shit.” The Actor’s Wife says to Artist, as she struggles into passenger seat, while lowering the vehicle suspension, with her obesity.

The Actor and his Wife stick their middle fingers out the window, as tires tear up lawn, screeching burnt rubber onto road as car drives off in a cloud of smoke.

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Scene 22

Inside police station, Child Protective Services Division.

“So, tell me what you witnessed?” The CPS officer asks the Artist who recalls events in flashbacks.

“It was our sixth-year anniversary. My girlfriend’s daughter had just divorced a pedophile that she had procreated two kids with, when she met a stranger on line that she wanted to have sex with.”

“Your girlfriend’s daughter had children with a pedophile?”

“My girlfriend claims her son-in law is a convicted sex offender pedophile and former gang member who is now a born again Christian.”

“Of course and his ex-wife wanted to have sex with a stranger she met on the internet?”

“The Granddaughter claims her father and grandfather are upset because the ink was not even dry on the final divorce papers before her mother started sleeping around.”

“Your girlfriend’s Granddaughter told you this?”

“My girlfriend’s Granddaughter told me a lot of things.”

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Scene 23

Film crew sets up lighting and soundcheck for scene in fancy mirrored public Ladies restroom.

“Okay, so this is the rape scene. Let’s tone it down from the original script and do it like we did at rehearsal.” The Artist confidently commands cast and crew.

“Quite on the set! Crackhead Jesus: The Movie, rape scene, take one.” The Director’s Assistant says while snapping film slate.

“Action!” The Artist shouts.

Actors commence tense scene surrounded by film crew on closed set.
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Scene 24

Inside Police Station Child Protective Services Division Artist recalls incident in voice over flashback.

“I was in the kitchen making breakfast when I noticed my Girlfriend’s five-year old Grandson defecating in front of me.”

“Are you shitting yourself?” Artist asks fully clothed Boy whose eyes are watery and face is red from straining to pass bowel movement while standing upright.

Diarrhea runs down the boys shorts, covering his legs and socks in feces, as bacon sizzles on stovetop.

“Grandma, he’s pooping himself again!” The  Boy’s nine-year old Sister shouts while pointing a finger at her Brother and laughing.

“He said shitting.” The Girl says, pointing to Artist as her Grandmother enters room in panic.

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Scene 25

Inside public restroom live film set.

“Is this what you want, Bitch?” Actor growls as he manhandles Actress on camera, before she slaps his face, as scripted, during intense rape scene.

“I thought you loved me! You used me! Asshole!” Actress storms out of frame with tears in her eyes, running mascara and tattered clothing.

“Cut!” The Artist shouts. “Excellent!”

“Can we do that one more time?” The Actress asks while Makeup-Artist cleans her face. “I think I can do better.”

“Is that okay with you?” Artist asks Actor.

“Sure.” Actor replies, with a big grin on his lipstick-smeared face.
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Scene 26

Artists’s kitchen filled with smoke and the smell of bacon, eggs and feces causes fire alarm to scream over Granddaughters shouts of, “Grandma, he shit himself again!”

“Don’t say shit!” The Countess scolds her Granddaughter with an evil eye and a scowling look.

“But Grandpa said it first!” The Granddaughter says with big innocent eyes while pointing at Artist.

“I’m not your Grandfather.” The Artist says while removing burnt bacon from frying pan.

“How dare you curse in front of the children!” The Countess howls.

“But, he shit himself while I was making bacon.”

“You burned the bacon! Ha! Ha!” The Granddaughter laughs at confused Artist.

“You’re an asshole!” The Countess says to Artist while grabbing Grandson covered in feces and taking him to bathroom leaving behind a trail of dark, green, diarrhea on plush white carpet.

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Scene 27

Artist lies naked in bed with Actress and kisses her lips before she pulls away saying, “He raped me.”

“I was there. We have it all on film. How can you say he raped you?”

“I’m telling you, he raped me. Are you going to do something about it?”

“But it was a rape scene, you were both acting.”

“He had a hard on! He pressed it against me and I told him, no tongue. He violated my mouth with his tongue!”

“Okay! Okay!” The Artist says before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’ll talk to him before the awards ceremony, tonight.”

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Scene 28

Inside smoke filled kitchen, Countess returns from bathroom to ask Artist, “Where’s his clothes?”

“You’re asking me?”

“He has no clothes.”

“What do you mean he has no clothes?”

Grandson runs around house naked yelling, “Penis! Penis! Penis!”

“His overnight bag is full of toys; no clean clothes!” The Countess shouts as her Granddaughter screams, “It’s Naked Man!”

“Your daughter didn’t pack a change of clothes for your Grandson?” The Artist asks as the bare-assed-Boy somersaults and runs around the house proclaiming, “Naked Man! Naked Man! Naked Man!”

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Scene 29

The Countess and Artist arrive at Kabbalah Center for seminar on the dark side of reincarnation.

“So you told the Actor’s Wife he raped his Costar?” The Countess asks the Artist.

“Not exactly.” The Artist recalls in flashbacks.

Inside Artist’s house, the Actor’s grossly obese wife shoves a hot dog in her mouth while talking to Artist in kitchen. “Let me take care of you. You must be so stressed out. Let me give you an orgasm.”

Artist backs away from Actor’s Wife, as she slides her tongue from cheek to cheek, wiping away mayonnaise and mustard from the sides of her mouth.

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Scene 30

Inside living room of Artist’s house, Naked Man reigns supreme as Artist plays the piano. Countess, Artist and Granddaughter watch in horror as Grandson grabs long wooden flute and proceeds to masturbate with instrument as his Sister screams and Grandmother gasps.

“Uh, is anyone going to stop this kid from masturbating in front of us?” The Artist says while playing piano.

“Don’t say that in front of the Kids!” The Countess shouts at Artist.

“So let me get this straight.” The Artist sings while playing piano. “He can masturbate in front of us but I can’t say the word to describe what he is doing.”

“What’s masturbate, Grandma?” The nine-year old girl asks Countess as her nude five-year old brother runs to the piano and starts slapping his penis on piano keys, shouting, “Naked Man! Naked Man!”, while Artist tickles ebony and ivory without skipping a beat.
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Scene 31

Inside Artist’s house, dining room, Artist tells Actor’s Wife, “Your Husband’s co-star is accusing him of rape.”

“What?”

“I know, I tried explaining to her that it was a rape scene but she insisted I talk to you and your husband before tonights award ceremony because you are producers on this project and well, honestly, I don’t know what she wants.”

“That bitch is crazy!”

“I figured we could discuss this with your husband over dinner, so we don’t cause a scene at the awards ceremony.” The Artist says to Actor’s Wife as she stares out window to see her husband flipping steaks on barbecue grill in backyard.

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Scene 32

Inside living room of Artist’s house, Countess and her Granddaughter watch as Grandson rubs his penis on Artist’s arm as he plays piano.

“Okay, this really has got to stop! Now he’s rubbing his dick on me!” The Artist says to Countess while her Grandson sings, “Naked Man! I’m Naked Man!” and Granddaughter looks on in shock.

“Don’t say dick!” The Countess screams at Artist, doing nothing to stop her Grandson’s perverse behavior.

“He said dick!” The Granddaughter says in amazement as her naked brother shouts, “Dick! Dick! Dick!” while slamming his penis all over the piano keys.

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Scene 33

Inside Kabbalah Center auditorium, the Countess and Artist meet Philip Berg an American Rabbi and dean of the worldwide Kabbalah Center. The Countess is starstruck in the presence of this Holy Man.

“This man is your Soulmate.” Berg says to Countess as he stares into Artists eyes while shaking his hand firmly for a length of time. “His love for you is eternal. He is sent to challenge, awaken and stir different parts of you in order for your soul to transcend to a higher level of consciousness and awareness.”

“It’s an honor to meet you, Sir.” The Artist says as both men loosen their grip on each other.

“The honor is mine. You are a visionary. Your work is prophetic with divine inspiration. Keep Shining, Brother. Flow.” Berg says to the Artist, before walking onstage in front of a packed auditorium to begin his lecture on the dark side of reincarnation.
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Scene 34

“Can you watch the kids while I go buy Naked Man some clothes?” The Countess asks the Artist as he cleans up the kitchen and her Grandson streaks across the house chasing his sister shouting, “I’m Naked Man!”

“No. Your daughter’s kids are out of control.”

“Please, I can’t take him to the store naked.”

“Your daughter’s more concerned about getting laid than taking proper care of her children. What kind of mother sends her maladjusted kids on an overnight, without clothes?”

“Asshole! Don’t say, laid, in front of the children!” Countess screams as her Grandson fondles his Sister in front of her and the Artist.

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Scene 35

“Our totality must include a dark side if we are to be whole.” Says American Rabbi Philip Berg at the conclusion of his dissertation on spiritual afterlife at the Kabbalah Center before exiting the stage to a standing ovation.

“That was fantastic.” The Countess says to Artist who replies, “Interesting.”, as they both applaud and make their way out of the packed auditorium to the parking lot.

“Would you like to come back to my place for a drink?” The Countess asks the Artist, who answers, “Sure.”,  with a smile as he opens the drivers-side car door for the Countess before walking around her clean, red Volvo, to sit in the passengers seat.
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Scene36

“Sweetheart, are you done in the shower, we have to go get your Brother some clothes at the store.” The Countess hollered to her Granddaughter as her Grandson in a long, white, t-shirt bursts through the closed bathroom door, revealing his Sister standing naked and exposed in front of the Artist and her Grandmother.

“Boobies!” The Brother shouts at his Sister, while pointing at her bare chest, as she screams in vulnerable embarrassment, while staring, naked, into the Artist’s shocked, wide-open, eyes, in front of her Grandmother, the Countess.

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Scene37

The Artist and Countess reach orgasm together before resting side-by-side in her King-Size bed.

“That was incredible. Thanks.” The Artist says as the Countess rises from bed naked and walks towards closet.

“I want to show you something.” The Countess says, as she stands naked on her toes to retrieve a large box from the top shelf in her closet. The Artist notices and reacts physically to her erect nipples and hairy bush as she brings the box to bed with her, noticing his bulge rising from underneath her silk sheets he inquires, “Are we about to get, really kinky, now?”

“I thought we already did.” The Countess says, laying the box gently beside his excitement, before opening it.

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Scene 38

“We’re back!” The Grandson shouts, as he bursts through the front door sporting new clothes. “Look what Grandma got me.”

“That’s just great.” The Artist says, feigning interest before boy punches him in the groin, manifesting pain and shock that causes Artist to shout, “What the fuck?”, while recoiling.

“Stop cursing in front of the children!” The Countess shouts.

“But he punched me in the nuts!”

“He said nuts, Grandma. Is that the same as balls?” The Granddaughter asks her Grandmother while pointing at the Artist, as her little Brother guffaws, before punching the Artist’s testicles again.

“What? I can’t say nuts either?” The Artist asks Countess with watery eyes before falling to the floor. “What the fuck?”

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Scene 39

The Countess goes through her last pile of photo’s with the weary Artist, revealing her rich, celebrated history and international circle of influence including celebrities and world leaders.

“So, you’re telling me you created American Idol and The Bachelor?” The Artist asks while nibbling on the Countess’ perky nipples.

“Yes, but I never got credit or any money for it, because Hollywood assholes and their lawyers stole my ideas at a pitch meeting with network executives.”

“Why didn’t you sue?”

“I tried but I didn’t stand a chance against corporate lawyers on payroll; I’m just a poor little rich girl.” The Countess said, before grabbing the Artist’s stiff manhood, while kissing his lips.

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Scene 40

Granddaughter approaches Artist in his office as he works on his computer. “Can I talk to you about something private?” She asks.

“Sure.”

“My Dad and Grandfather are very upset with my Mom because she’s been spending so much time on the computer meeting strange men and sleeping with them instead of taking care of my Brother and I.”

“Really?”

“Grandpa says my mom is a whore. What’s a whore?”

The Artist pauses to contemplate his answer.

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Scene 41

“So you are an actor, producer and an award-winning film director.” The Countess asks Artist while they lie naked in bed together in her beachfront mansion.

“And an award-winning artist.”

“And a politician as well?”

“I used to be, not anymore.”

“And a businessman?”

“True.”

“So, you’re a jack of all trades and master of none?”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“So, what else are you good at?”

“Well, here, let me show you.” The Artist says before crawling under silk sheets to perform cunnilingus on the Countess.

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Scene 42

“A girl in my class says men can get pregnant and have babies, is that true?”

“Sounds like your friend knows a thing or two about being transgender.”

“What’s transgender?”

“What are you teaching my Granddaughter?” The Countess asks Artist as she enters the room.

“She asked me a question.” The Artist answers.

“You’re not the one to be teaching her about sex.”

“I’m not. Obviously, your Daughter’s not either. She’s too busy having sex with strangers online to teach her children about nature.”

“Sex! Sex! Sex!” The Grandson shouts, as he runs into the room and slaps his Sister’s ass.
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Scene 43

“That was lovely, thank you. I see you are talented with your tongue as well, young man.”

“Glad I could be of service to you.” The Artist says after wiping his mouth on her sheets.